I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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