I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
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