***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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