i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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