you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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