I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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