I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
