We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
