Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
