i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
