Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize