so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
