My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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