Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My penis needs a shock collar
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Randomize
