She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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