He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
