Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
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