I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Randomize
