he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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