you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
