Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
