your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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