youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
