is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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