yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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