so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
