Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
