if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
