all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I currently don't understand fingers.
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