If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
