After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
