I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize
