it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
