I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
Randomize
