right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
