I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
