I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
