I think I died a long time ago.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
