Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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