I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
