i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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