Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
