I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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