I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
