Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
