the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize