just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
