So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
