i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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