Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
