I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
