My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
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