Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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