haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
