and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
