So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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