we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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