right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
