So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
