That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
