Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
