Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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