Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
