You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
You took a bar mat shot.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
