My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
