So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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