Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
