I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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