i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp
i loe djcudia fjxos rue.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
